Currently Listening Disclaimer II (Bonus DVD) By Seether Track 12-Broken see related

First thing. Philadelphians have no bisness(sp) reading this shit. I mean it.  I do not like you dick anuses. Anyways, today was uneventful. I feel like shit, for lots of different reasons. I'm a really bad person, that's the main one. Well, we all knew I was a bad person, but I don't think we were completely aware of how much I suck. Some people are aware of that, but a lot aren't which really sucks, because I suck, and I feel people should know this. Have you ever been a serious bitch to someone who means more than you than anyone or anything else in the world, and then someone you really don't know that wells points out to you how much of a bitch you are? and the worst part was, you didn't even notice. You didn't think of it. And it makes you realize why people don't like you. I have a whole list. Damn I suck. I don't even know how to fix the fact that I treat people like they don't matter, especially when their the only thing that matters. And you don't know how to tell them. You don't know how to show them how much you love them, because you take for granted that they already know. Never take that for granted. You should always do everything in your power to show people how much  you love them. Tell them every second. Send it to them in your dreams. Because once you find that person that fills the hole in your heart, don't EVER let them go. Make them feel special every chance you have. You'll never get that feeling again. I know I won't. To think I almost screwed it up 2. I owe someone a thank you for making me realize what a fucked up bitch I am. I hope they know who they are.

Hi. First off, if you are one of Mel's friends (Candi, Scott, T.C.) don't read this. Please. I don't have an issue with you,(except you know who) but this isn't only about me, and the people who aren't you know these people and can read this so... yeah.

This was a poem written today by me and Will.

          BLEED EMPTY SOUL.

bleed empty soul, scream out all your fears, cry bleeding heart, no one sees your tears. This is my domain, from which there's no escape. I will hold you prisinor for the rest of your days. I know you little girl, no one loves you now. Your pleas will be ignored, go ahead, cry out. Lie there in your pain, wallow in your blood. Don't you understand child: there's nothing left to love. Your pain is so amusing, your fear arouses me. Scream out all night long. No one hears but me.Every resist you try, every attempt to die,I wil intercept. Your soul will not be left.You think I like this place anymore than you? No you little fool, but you'll make it up; you'll do.I watch you choke and scream in fear and agony. One day you'll realize: this hell was made for me.

Sick, isn't it? Good, that's the point. Cause we're sick like that.I had a fun conversation today. Today is September 7. One of the worst days of my life. Horrible day. Long story short. A bunch of people from the rock had come to Sam's house. We were sitting on the couch when Will started crying. I had never seen Will cry before. We were sitting there, me, Will, Andrew, Jay, Sam, Ben, Genaro, Brigette, Zephyer and other people.We were sitting in a line, doing every drug available, and we learned something so freaky. And this is true.

1)Today is the day I stabbed Janice and Andrew 3 years ago.

2)Today Will's sister would've been 13 if she hadn't been raped and murdered and mutilated four years ago.

3. Today Andrew's aunt was killed by crackheads 7 years ago.

4. Today's Jay's older brother has been in the mental hospital for 1 year.

5.Today's Brigette's dad died 2 years ago.

6.Today Zephyer was put in a foster home with an abuseive foster father 8 years ago.

7. Today's been was raped six years ago.

8. Today Sam's aunt was shot in a drive-by.

           It shows you fate's out there. It's the only thing that's out there. In the end, there aint nothing else. No God, no hell, nothing. The end.

Currently Listening St. Anger (with Bonus DVD) By Metallica see related

I was told to update more often, even though I don't really like the stupid xanga thing, but whatever. Hmm... Mel is sixteen. She's all old and crap... *giggle* ya. I'm about to go to the convention center to help a bunch of New Orleans people. I'm loving like that. Hehm... yeah, but I am loving like that. Really.  that was lame. Um... I finally found Shelters of Stone. Woot. I have to be one of the biggest nerds ever, cause I got so f-ing happy when I checked the damn thing out. I'm going to make Mel read all the Earth Children's series, though there's a really strong chance she's gonna be like "what the hell? why the fuck are you reading these?" No one ever likes them... *pouts* I do that alot. Pout, I mean.

   I learned something interesting a couple days ago. At the time I read it, I was in such a bad mood, I did not even care. I was like, ok, let her think that, Mel doesn't think it... yeah, I was being pissy. But then I thought about it, and it was really funny. Apparently, people think I have this thing for Will (who is a senior, actually, my mistake) and that I want Mel to break up with me for him. When you word it like that... it is really funny. Especially if you know Will, who is a man-whore beyond all reason,and the only reason he's interested in me is because I'm not interested in him. That's funny too. So then I thought about that 2. Its all really funny, how someone could think I'm willing to give up the greatest person in my life ever for some ass. It cracks me up. And yeah, roadtrips are fun. I think people should put their money where their fucking mouth is and take a roadtrip down to Austin. See where it gets you. Most of you people know this: i'm not a nice person. I usually do not give a flying fuck about how people feel unless they're close to me. So if I wanted to cheat on Mel, don't you think I would've done it by now? But I didn't. What does that tell you? Gee, I don't know, that I love her? *gasps from the crowd* yeah, it's shocking, isn't it? That was really sarcastic. But that irrated me. I had to listen to enough people tell me how Mel was going to cheat on me, and I was like fuck that. No someone's going to tell me I want Mel to break up with me. The very same Mel who saved my life!! Yes, the very same! I would literrally be dead without Mel, whose stood by me for every stupid, retarded thing I've done. Who sat through all of my pointless breakdowns(ask her, there were alot of them). So WHY IN THE FUCKING HELL WOULD I WANT TO GIVE THAT UP!!!!! *snaps*

                I WOULDN'T, YOU DUMBASS!!! NOT FOR WILL, NOT FOR MY MOM, MY BROTHERS, MY SOUL!!!! NOT FOR CROCKETT, NOT FOR SARA, TAS, OR JUSTIN!!!!! NOT FOR ANYTHING!!!!! AND I SWEAR TO EVERYTHING I HOLD HOLY IN THIS LIFETIME(WHICH ISN'T MUCH, CONSIDERING IN OUR WORLD, TURTLES LLAMAS AND EMUS ARE HOLY) IF ANYONE SERIOUSLY BELIEVES THAT I WOULD, PLEASE... CONTACT ME. I WILL KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO YOUR STUPID FUCKING ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*takes a breath* i am not hostile. see ya later.